The hard stuff

If my memory serves me correct, it's been almost 8 months since my last post.  I've been very bad about not keeping up with my blogging over the spring and summer seasons, but to be honest it's not because I haven't had the time.  This year had started out being a year of change for me.  Well, I've definitely been changing, mostly for the better (or at least I'd like to think so).  This hasn't been easy and it hasn't come without pain either.  At the beginning of the year I knew that I wanted to be a better person in many different ways.  I wanted to be a better friend, a better mom and wife, a better employee, to be better at eating, exercising, motivating myself, and keeping up with my home.  While some things were a quick and simple fix, others took more time and a lot more energy and focus. 

I haven't necessarily been doing all that great on the exercising every day thing, however I have been able to keep up with maintaining a healthy weight and eating habits that balance each other out.  I've also surprised myself with how much I've learned and grown at my job as an Assistant Manager at Strathmore Park.  As far as my friends go, I think I've done a much better job this year than last year at making sure I stay in contact with almost all of them.  I've even repaired a friendship or two that had gone downhill.  I'm very excited to have those people back in my life because they help to keep me balanced.  All of these were things that I could fix and change.  I had control over them and their outcome.  As I've stated before, I'm not a big fan of change so when it does happen I like to be in control every step of the way.  There was one thing, however, that I could not control, my husband. 

Like all couples, we've experienced our fair share of difficulties throughout our marriage.  Most of our struggles have come from his re-adjustment period after getting out of the Marine Corps.  Civilian life is the complete opposite of military life, and most of it centers around how you deal with other people.  These people could be strangers, family, co-workers and employers, or friends.  No matter if you've known them for 5 seconds or 5 years, after being in the military you respond to them differently.  For Bryan, he was trained to detach himself from emotions and people (because typically those you cared about would end up getting hurt or worse).  Because of this he had difficulties letting new people into his life, this included my family.  We both come from such strong and close families that I just expected this to be second nature for him.  What I didn't realize was that his "second nature" had been changed quite dramatically in the past 5 years.  It's been an uphill battle for us to realize that we don't rely on our friends and family in the same way as the other person.  He's been making a lot of realizations and changes himself over the past 3-4 months that have definitely helped to continue putting our marriage on a better track, but that's only one piece of the puzzle.  There's still me.

With everything that had gone on in our past, I needed time to think things through for myself.  I needed to finish working on the things that I needed to change about myself that had been holding me back from having the life and marriage that I desired.  I wanted space to clear my head and be able to wipe the slate clean.  Which brings me to the present.  The best place for me to get that space and think things through is with my support system close by.  For the time being, I have left my job back in Colorado, I've moved a few of my things to get me through the time apart to be here in MN, and I've "mentally" started my marriage over.  This is by far the hardest and most selfish thing I've ever done, but its been worth it every step of the way.  Every day I'm making new realizations for myself that bring us closer together.  I'm not sure where life will lead me in the next week, month, or year, but I know that it's going to be a place filled with love, happiness, and joy.

I hope that you're all enjoying a very happy Friday!