I have to forgive myself for doing what's best for me. Although I don't regret 99% of the decisions that I've made in the last year or so, I still hold myself accountable and responsible for hurting so many people in the process of trying to make myself happy. I'm so thankful that I had the guts to break off my engagement and move on with my life after a 5 1/2 year relationship (with 1 1/2 years of that being engaged). To this day I still claim that that was the hardest thing that I've ever had to do. I sat there and broke his heart into pieces when he never, really, did anything wrong. Of course there were things that we disagreed on and then eventually became more of an issue than it probably would have otherwise, but he never abused me in any way, he provided most of our income so that I could go to school full time, and he did what he could to make me happy. In one conversation, I had ended what we had worked so hard on for the past 5 years. Up until this point, I had blamed myself for being selfish, for not giving him more warning or notice, and for hurting him and his family so deeply, but most of all for lying to myself. I had dilusioned myself into thinking that I was as happy as I'd ever be, that this was what real life and love looked like, and that was all there was to it. I gave up on finding my "prince charming" and instead settled for "Mr. Dependable". It wasn't right and it wasn't fair for me or anyone else involved. If I wasn't 100% happy and in love, and I had stayed, I would have been lying to him and myself and neither of us deserved that. I still wish for him to find happiness and love with someone who will be able to return it to him the way that it should be.
So, as of right now, I have decided that it's about damn time to forgive myself and I'm officially washing my hands clean of this guilt that I've been dragging around with me for over a year. I have nothing to be sorry for, because in the end, I'm happy and I'm sure everyone else will be too. I know my husband can vouch for that one! He may not be the epitome of "charming", but he's everything that I could have ever dreamed of and more. There is no better person out there for me than the man I call my husband. I love him with all of my heart, and I'm thankful each and every day that we found each other exactly when we did.
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
I know that I need to forgive them, but I'm not quite sure if I'm ready to. For years, each parent had vented to me and my siblings about the other parent. They had their issues just like any married couple, but I hated that they would bring us into their problems. It wasn't our fault that they didn't get what they wanted or needed from the other person, but yet, I still felt as if I was being forced to take sides whenever either of them would talk to me. For the longest time, I tried to play mediator and try to make them see why the other might be acting in the way that they were. I felt like it was up to me to try and comfort each person and I felt deep sympathy for each. I know that I need to forgive them, and I will in time.
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
There are so many things that I want to do in my life, but something that I've never really told many people is that I hope to be a match for someone. It doesn't really matter to me what I'm a match for, blood, kidney, lung, heart, marrow, because either way I know that some part of me is doing so much more for someone else.
Day 6: Something you hope that you never have to do.
One thing that I hope I never have to do is burry any of my children. I believe that this is one of those things that you never truly get over. The memory can be pushed to the back of your mind for months or even years, but it will always come back to remind you of your enormous loss eventually. It's devistating to say the least, and I pray that no one ever has to go through that kind of pain.
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