I have to forgive myself for doing what's best for me. Although I don't regret 99% of the decisions that I've made in the last year or so, I still hold myself accountable and responsible for hurting so many people in the process of trying to make myself happy. I'm so thankful that I had the guts to break off my engagement and move on with my life after a 5 1/2 year relationship (with 1 1/2 years of that being engaged). To this day I still claim that that was the hardest thing that I've ever had to do. I sat there and broke his heart into pieces when he never, really, did anything wrong. Of course there were things that we disagreed on and then eventually became more of an issue than it probably would have otherwise, but he never abused me in any way, he provided most of our income so that I could go to school full time, and he did what he could to make me happy. In one conversation, I had ended what we had worked so hard on for the past 5 years. Up until this point, I had blamed myself for being selfish, for not giving him more warning or notice, and for hurting him and his family so deeply, but most of all for lying to myself. I had dilusioned myself into thinking that I was as happy as I'd ever be, that this was what real life and love looked like, and that was all there was to it. I gave up on finding my "prince charming" and instead settled for "Mr. Dependable". It wasn't right and it wasn't fair for me or anyone else involved. If I wasn't 100% happy and in love, and I had stayed, I would have been lying to him and myself and neither of us deserved that. I still wish for him to find happiness and love with someone who will be able to return it to him the way that it should be.
So, as of right now, I have decided that it's about damn time to forgive myself and I'm officially washing my hands clean of this guilt that I've been dragging around with me for over a year. I have nothing to be sorry for, because in the end, I'm happy and I'm sure everyone else will be too. I know my husband can vouch for that one! He may not be the epitome of "charming", but he's everything that I could have ever dreamed of and more. There is no better person out there for me than the man I call my husband. I love him with all of my heart, and I'm thankful each and every day that we found each other exactly when we did.
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
I know that I need to forgive them, but I'm not quite sure if I'm ready to. For years, each parent had vented to me and my siblings about the other parent. They had their issues just like any married couple, but I hated that they would bring us into their problems. It wasn't our fault that they didn't get what they wanted or needed from the other person, but yet, I still felt as if I was being forced to take sides whenever either of them would talk to me. For the longest time, I tried to play mediator and try to make them see why the other might be acting in the way that they were. I felt like it was up to me to try and comfort each person and I felt deep sympathy for each. I know that I need to forgive them, and I will in time.
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
There are so many things that I want to do in my life, but something that I've never really told many people is that I hope to be a match for someone. It doesn't really matter to me what I'm a match for, blood, kidney, lung, heart, marrow, because either way I know that some part of me is doing so much more for someone else.
Day 6: Something you hope that you never have to do.
One thing that I hope I never have to do is burry any of my children. I believe that this is one of those things that you never truly get over. The memory can be pushed to the back of your mind for months or even years, but it will always come back to remind you of your enormous loss eventually. It's devistating to say the least, and I pray that no one ever has to go through that kind of pain.
I love my love for making other people happy (if that makes any sense). I'm the type of person who loves to do things that I know will make someone smile or cheer them up on any random day, especially Monday's! It's not that I want them to make a big deal out of it or to do anything for me in return. I just simply love seeing the smile on someone else's face and knowing that I put it there. It's one of the best way's that someone can say thank you. If it were possible, I would do things like this all the time and on a bigger scale if I had the financial resources. This is one trait that I proudly get from my mother. She is exactly the same way. If she could, I know she would give her right arm and leg if someone she knew needed it. Although I don't think I'd go quite to those extremes, I would do pretty much anything for any of my friends or family.
Saturday morning was spent recouperating from the night before. Bryan and I were off to meet his aunt and uncle for lunch in Arvada. We left from there to go eat in Boulder, CO, but on the way Bryan got really sick. We didn't even get a chance to sit down inside the restaurant before he was throwing up again. I was ready to take him to the hospital after he threw up 11 times in less than 3 hours!!! Somehow he made a miraculous recovery and was back to his normal self by 7pm that night! I still have no idea what made him so sick, but I'm just glad it wasn't this "super flu" that's been going around. That night we got all dressed up and spent the night in downtown Denver. We ate at the Yard House, which has officially become one of my all time favorite places to eat. I haven't been there since we Megan and I met her uncle Jeff and Denise before we left California almost exactly a year ago! After that we were planning on going to Vinyl, but it was closed for "renovations" and we went to City Hall instead. The place was huge and we had a pretty good time. 
Sunday= Sunday Funday! After dropping off the kids at the in-laws, we headed out to a Wildlife Reserve to see some biiiiiiiig kitties! There were lions, and tigers, and bears (and wolves), OH MY! I forget how huge these things get! It was definitely fun to see them in another setting other than from behind a glass wall at the zoo. They're absolutely beautiful animals, and it was hard to keep reminding myself that these things could easily have me for a tasty lunch if they really wanted. The urge to go cuddle with them was just too strong, especially seeing them sleep like this guy below! Speaking of lunch, we decided on Shlotzkeys (however you spell it) and as always it was amazing! That night we all layed around the livingroom and watched movies. I seen Avatar for the first time and I will have to admit that it was actually pretty good. I wouldn't mind owning it one day or seeing it in 3D. 
Monday was meant to be another relaxing day, but unfortunately, Kathy's 4yr old daughter Rebecca had other plans for us. She accidentally swallowed a quarter and had to go to the hospital to make sure she was going to be ok. Luckily it didn't turn into anything more serious, but she definitely gave everyone a scare. We eventually had to say our goodbyes, one thing I have come to very strongly dislike. All we could do was look on the bright side and know that this was the last time we'd have to say goodbye like this for any extended period of time. I think if Kathy could have gotten away with it, she totally would have kidnapped us and refused any ransom. She's a sweetheart and I'm excited to get to know her better once I move out there. I think out of everyone though, Megan took it the hardest. She was not only leaving some of her favorite friends, but she was having to go back knowing that she would much rather call Colorado home than MN. We keep telling eachother that we'll have a frequent flyer friendship until she gets her butt out there :P. 
Now it's back to regular life, work, and school. I'm down to 30 days until I move, 36 days until I graduate (eeks!), and 68 days until our 1 year anniversary. Wow, were has the time gone! I guess it's up to me to make the most of it and see everyone as much as I can before I have to say my goodbyes to my actual family and my friends here in MN. I'm really not looking forward to that day. I've never left my family on a permanent basis and it's going to be extremely tough. I pray that God will give me strength and help me through it, because I know I'm going to need all the help I can get! Until next time, be kind to one another.